Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
