i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
Is it possible to jerk off a nipple?
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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