I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
I would be down to associate sex w taco bell
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
got some info she was last seen with some guy wearing goggles
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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