now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
holy shit thats the most artistic dick pic ever
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
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