After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Randomize
