Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
