The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
Randomize
