Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
We need to get me chipped asap
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
Randomize
