I want to have your abortion
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
Randomize
