Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
Randomize
