i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Randomize
