Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Randomize
