I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
Is it bad that I'm not at all bothered by the fact that to some people I'm simply known as the girl that takes her shirt off?
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Randomize
