she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
Randomize
