where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
i have a feeling he has a nice dick. i can just sense it.
she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
omg. MEgabus. stoned.
Theres these two guys talking.
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
Randomize
