I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
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