What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
Randomize
