If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
I'm having to shit out rocks
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