Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
his logic is that since hes already cheated on her w me its doesnt count
Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room.
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
Randomize
