Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
I'm playing a drinking game with nyc prep. This will not end well for meeee
Everytime the gay dude pretends he's not gay, drink a cosmo. Everytime the crosseyed girl is crosseyed, kill her
I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
And the cops told us we were all naked.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
Tranny group. Dance off. Horse hair and dicks swinging. I. Cant. Unsee. This.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
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