i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
just taught 3 girls from korea how to fist pump on chat roulette.
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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