Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
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