if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
whatever. i fb stalked him and his pic comments are witty. so i'm going for it.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
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