why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
Randomize
