I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
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