id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
Randomize
