I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
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