All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
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