I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
Either way, he made a blog for his cat.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
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