These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
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