Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
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