i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
