Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
Actions speak louder than words. Her actions scream crazy.
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
Randomize
