we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
You almost got us killed.
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