Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Randomize
