My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
Randomize
