I remember having a drink with vegetables in it. They said it was a mojito, but it tasted like cabbage.
haha i love mojitos
ya and i hate cabbage
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
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