Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
We are such grown women, dealing with life's problems one shower beer and reckless makeout session at a time.
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