were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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