i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
You are the jesus of drinking
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
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