First date: that requires underwear, huh?
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
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