Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Randomize
