Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
Randomize
