He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
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