I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
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