I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
Randomize
