All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
I just encouraged Kelsey to make out with some guy for beer so I could take one, does this make me a pimp?
By definition I think it does.
So this is what it feels like to be all that is man.
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
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