I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
i guess when we were done i grunted "unforgiveable" and walked out.
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
Tackling and headbutting friends, running away and hiding from everyone, attempting to streak across campus, and then waking up with no sign of a hangover... happy 21 to me
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
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