remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
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