WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
Randomize
